Monday, March 2, 2015

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Dear Jesus, 

Lately, I have been so depressed.  I have bill collectors calling every single day, student loans, my cable is off, my phone is off, I can not drive my truck because it has a flat tire and I cannot pay to get it fixed, also it has been super cold and the heat does not work.  This has been a trying time for me, I just seem to find myself moping around and losing all excitement in life.  Not to mention, my credit score is completely in the red zone, if that even exists.  "Living by faith and not by sight," is a lot easier said than done.  And I know I should be grateful for just waking up and the clothes on my back (which I am) but it is just so hard..  I have been really trying not to complain but in doing so I have been holding so much in and I have a headache almost everyday.  I know everyone has their own process and test that they go through but I am so aware at this time in my life and I don't know how to handle it.  I know you are all knowing so I really don't have to tell you all this, it just helps having someone to talk to.  Luckily for me, you are the God that put the sun, moon, and the stars in the sky.  You light up the sky and at the same time guides us through the night. So my low credit score and mile long debt doesn't and will never compare to the magnitudes of blessings you will bestow upon me. 

Ever feel like this has been the poster board of your life?  Anything you try to do gives you a hold please while this processes?  Yes, I know the feeling.  You're just frozen; at a standstill watching everyone else's life move forward, at least that's what it appears to be.  Sometimes as an outsider we are only able to see what someone chooses to reveal.  We may see the job promotion, or the call back for a part in a play or anything but what we won't see is the time, patience, and all the No's it took to get there.  You may be thinking you are the only one going through a tough time but YOU'RE NOT!  God never said it would happen over night or that it would be easy. 
And I recently read something that said "realize your lack could be just what you need for spiritual growth."  And that is EXACTLY how I feel.  I am at a tug-of-war spiritually.  I know I don't give enough time to God; spending and building my relationship with God.  I keep hearing this "how can I (God) trust you with a lot if I can't with a little?"  
So with that being said, I am giving God my whole heart, not just a piece.  He (God) will come second to none; no person, no thing.  It is not stuff that He longs after but my Heart.

God just wants your heart, so give it to Him.